“Rather than judge our partners, we can seek to understand them”

H. Wallace Goddard

            My reflections this week have been sort of all over the place. However, one concept was common throughout my thinking which was judgement. During Sunday School this past weekend, we were talking about different miracles that Christ performed while on the earth and the topic of helping others came up. We were asked how to do we get to a point of truly helping another person? A comment from a fellow member struck a huge cord with me. He said that there are two types of thoughts that sometimes keep us from helping others and places judgement on ourselves and others. The first thought goes something like this, “that person is way smarter, more popular, or richer than I. I don’t have anything to offer because they are better than me and I will never get there”. The second thought is something like, “that person is poor, or dresses different than me, or does things that I don’t and/or they are not capable of change. Therefore, there is nothing I can do to help them because I don’t have the time, or I am above that”. He then explained how the first thought was a negative judgement toward ourselves and it shuts us down to see the potential we have. The second thought is the judgement we place on others because of their differences of life style and that we think we are better than them. Both lead us to be closed minded in understanding the true needs of people whether we think they are better or less than us. When we judge ourselves or others, we are missing vital lessons that the Lord has for us, and we then are not able to be His hands to do His work. This member’s comment started turning wheels in my mind and I began to evaluate the thoughts I have when I am seeking, or not seeking, to help others, especially my husband.

            During the week as these judgement thoughts were flooding my mind space, I read the material for my Marriage class. Oddly enough, the topic was turning towards our spouse and that as we have faith in Christ, we can be led to know how to come closer to our spouse. In John Gottman’s book the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he speaks of “bids” that we do to grab the attention of our spouse (2015, p. 89). Some examples of “bids” would be asking our spouse a question, a sigh, a grumble, a touch, anything we try to do so that our spouse will turn to us as we are trying to turn to them. Bids don’t have to be something huge, but just in the small, simple gestures we do every day. Gottman (2015) stated that “couples who engage in lots of such interactions tend to remain happy. They are attuning by turning toward each other. Couples who do so are building mutual trust” (p. 87). If we place our spouse on a pedestal and think they are better than us or do the opposite where we think lower of them, it is hard for us to recognize that our spouse is turning to us, or even makes it difficult for us to turn toward them. So, how do we rid these judgements that we sometimes place on ourselves and spouses? I suggest, along with H. Wallace Goddard, that it takes faith in Jesus Christ to help change our hearts.

            To have faith in Christ, it takes a belief that He can even help us out. Goddard (2009) states that “the question is not whether Jesus is able to heal (or change us). The question is whether we will believe in Him” (p. 56). We are to let Him in if we are to change the thoughts we have about ourselves or on others. As we open the door for Christ and allow Him to guide our minds and help us to see others with more of an eternal perspective, we begin to rid that unrighteous judgement. As we strive to deal with the everyday life with our spouse, faith in Christ “causes us to be a little more patient with temporary—but annoying—humanness” (Goddard, 2009, p. 58). It is important to strengthen the patience with everyone’s imperfections and flaws, including those of our spouse. We need to remember that everyone is on their own journey, working and changing in the time frame that God has for them. No matter the status of a person, no one is better than another because we all learn and grow differently and that is okay. Even in our own marriages, our spouse is on a different time line of growth and understanding than we are. Goddard shares, “faith in the Lord Jesus Christ requires that we trust that God is working to rescue our spouses even as He is working to rescue us” (2009, p. 62). When we accept the knowledge that we all are being perfected while another is, there is no need to judge that we are lower than other, or that the other is lower than us. With this awareness, we are more willing to turn toward our spouse and strengthen our bonds and trust with them. We start to grasp what their true needs are.

            I know that as I have turned to Christ and allowed Him to speak to my heart and mind, I have been able to see my husband differently, and truly come to understand more of his needs. As I have worked on changing my view and building more patience, it has led me to turn more often to my spouse and lessen the judgements I have on myself and him for I can see the value we both have.

Faith in Christ changes our hearts, which leads to us judging less and then ultimately, we turn more towards our spouse, and they turn to us.

References

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage. Ceder Hills : Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The seven principles for making marraige work. New York : Harmony Books .