“The cornerstone of any compromise is the fourth principle of marriage—accepting influence”
John M. Gottman

            The concept of acceptance has decided to build a gigantic warehouse within in my mind over the last year. But it isn’t a type of warehouse that is run down and broken. This warehouse in brand-new and the intention is to store emotions or situations that I have processed and have accepted fully. This week has been a busy week for this warehouse. Lots of emotions have popped up, and sometimes unannounced, that has begged for my attention and acceptance. To accept emotions, it takes a lot of work. Acceptance for me isn’t just a passive conversation I have with myself so that I can get on with life. Acceptance is when I address the emotion that is present, give it a name, hear it out, have compassion on it, and then help it understand it’s purpose. After I do this, it gets stored in the warehouse of acceptance because I have allowed it to have a voice for a little bit instead of pushing it aside for another day. In doing this, I have found that my irritations are minimal, and I also build a strong cushion and knowledge in how I then can accept the differences and perspectives of others, including my spouse.

            The reason for bringing up my “acceptance warehouse” is because this is an area of my life that I have struggled with, and this week in my Marriage class material, we learned about conflict management, consecration in a marriage, and that we have the power to choose NOT to be angry. Conflict is going to arise in any relationship we form.  As humans, it is natural to have differences of opinions and perspectives and when we don’t agree with another person, conflict is inevitable. Can conflict be constructive? Absolutely! When done with the right purpose in mind. Psychologist, John M. Gottman states, “your future together can be bright even if your disagreements tend to be very negative. The secret is learning the right kind of damage control” (Gottman, 2015, p. 175). John Gottman offers five steps that can help us solve those solvable problems. They are:

1. Soften your start-up.
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.
3. Soothe yourself and each other.
4. Compromise.
5. Process any grievances so that they don’t linger.

The principle tied more to acceptance in this post is compromise. Sometimes people think that compromise is all about giving in, or agreeing just to stop the argument, or just one person changing their point of view. This isn’t the case at all. Compromise, as stated by Gottman, is about “negotiating and finding ways to accommodate each other. You will not be able to compromise successfully if you don’t accept your partner’s flaws and foibles” (2015, p. 184). There is that accept word again. Compromise and acceptance go hand in hand. If I can accept the differences of opinion from another person, then it opens the doors for a better compromise. Acceptance is about respecting your emotions and perspectives while at the same time being willing to let other people’s opinions and perspectives influence you. This of course works way better when both spouses are willing to work out the challenges. Another way I like to think about compromise and acceptance is to bring in consecration.

The point of consecration is not for a person to surrender everything about themselves to their spouse, or to anyone in any relationship. Consecration is surrendering our will and whole life over to God. He is the one that directs us to do what is right and, in this surrendering, the doors of heaven open and we learn more about who we are and how we can better serve and love others. In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard quoted Elder Maxwell, saying, “Consecration is the only surrender which is also a victory. It brings release from the raucous, overpopulated cell block of selfishness and emancipation from the dark prison of pride” (2009, p. 99). Acceptance with consecration rids our souls of pride. Pride is debilitating and it can keep us locked on negative emotions for a long time. I have had many experiences in my life when I have let pride get in the way of me accepting emotions, or even accepting the influence of my spouse. As I mentioned earlier in this post, this week, acceptance has hit me hard.

            I received some news that at first, I was okay with it and was ready to face it. Only then, I found myself feeling bitter and angry about it. I didn’t understand why these emotions were coming to head. I wanted to push them aside, because I kept telling myself that I was fine, that these emotions were just prideful, and I didn’t need them. But they kept poking and prodding my heart and spirit. My husband had even tried to soothe me and bring me comfort, but I couldn’t accept what he was saying or doing. I knew it was time to address them and let them through. So, I did. I pondered on the emotions, listened to them, had compassion on them and thanked them for doing their job, and then I gave them over to God. I know this sounds tedious, but it works. I even did this while my husband was with me, witnessing it. I was able to turn to him and accept the influence he was trying to bring to the table. If I had let this pride sit in my life much longer, then the help my husband was willing to give me would have turned into a conflict, which then would have led us on a path where compromise would have been shot down. I would have been locked in my own mind and thoughts, and would have shut the door on any influence that wanted in. But allowing these feelings to be present brought calmness and I was able to surrender those emotions over to Heavenly Father, who then helped me find the willingness to turn to my husband and work out a compromise in him comforting me and bringing a different perspective to my situation. After working through the process in which I have learned how to accept my emotions, my mind was clear and felt better. I felt a load off my shoulders, and felt the pride leave my body.

            I know that as I surrender my life to my Heavenly Father and find acceptance for the feelings and situations that enter my mind, I am blessed with an understanding in how to accept and love others. As I learn to accept and love others, compromise then becomes easier to do within my relationships.

            In the words of H. Wallace Goddard (2009),

“Those who will bear whatever is necessary in order to honor their covenants will be made glorious. They will experience eternal joy. When we have the mind of Christ, there is no one we cannot fully love nor gladly serve” (p. 106).

References

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage. Ceder Hills : Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The seven principles for making marraige work. New York : Harmony Books .