“Therefore, shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave
unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked,
the man and his wife, and were not ashamed”
Moses 3:24-25

            My post this week touches on a rather personal matter, but one that I feel is time to share. It might be a topic that is sensitive to others, and that is okay. However, the purpose behind why I share this is to hopefully shed some light and understanding to others who may have struggled or still are struggling with the same issue. I speak about intimacy in marriage, a topic that is never something to be ashamed about, or too taboo to talk about. For most newlywed couples, it is natural to have some trepidation in the first weeks of marriage, especially regarding the bedroom life. But usually, after some time, the couple gets better and more comfortable with their sexuality and things are fine. That is not the case with me. My husband and I have been married for over six years and I am just now beginning to fully understand the beauty that comes from true intimacy.

            Earlier in my life, the knowledge of sex came too soon for my little mind to comprehend. It also came in a way that ultimately built lies and misconceptions of what true intimacy was and how special and sacred sexuality in a marriage can be. As I grew into my teenage years, I longed to date and be noticed by the boys, but at the same time, feared their existence. My mind couldn’t wrap around the notion that not all people violate or hurt others. How was I going to ever trust that part of my life with anyone? I wasn’t even comfortable with myself for I had felt ashamed of my body and I thought that intimate parts of my body were dirty. I had seen multiple counselors throughout my life, but it wasn’t until my early 20’s that the thought of being intimate with a man became a possibility. The counselor at that time helped me gain confidence with myself and over the years, I was comfortable being around guys and going on dates. This new-found part of my life was just hitting the tip of the sexuality iceberg. I thought that because I could be comfortable dating and experiencing my first kiss that I was healed! I could not have been more wrong.

 After I married my husband, that was when the real problems came, and I just didn’t understand why. I had studied up on sexuality in marriage and what it means in the culture of the church. I had read talks and quotes of Prophets who spoke about the sacred union between a husband and wife and how it was ordained of God. So then, why was it difficult to be with my husband? I didn’t realize at the beginning of my marriage, that the reasons being intimate was a struggle had anything to do with my past and the misconceptions my mind had built. These lies were deeply embedded, to the point that anything positive my husband tried to tell me, I just couldn’t believe him. In the September 1986 Ensign, Brent A. Barlow wrote an article titled Thy Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage. He shares that “in spite of the potentially joyful aspects of sexuality in marriage, for many, it is a source of frustration and even contention. Part of the difficulty stems from mistaken ideas” (1986). It was after having our second child, things got incredibly worse. I knew it was time to get some help.

Over the last year and a half, my husband and I have both grown from the guidance and direction our counselor has given. With me, especially, she has helped my true self see and understand the beauty of the intimate relationship I can have with my husband. I also had to be open to learning about sexuality and what that can be for me personally within my marriage. I couldn’t stay ignorant of something that I really didn’t have a lot of knowledge about, nor even felt completely comfortable talking about. But I knew that the only way to gain an understanding was to study it out and discuss it with those that I trusted could teach me the truth. In his article Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage, Sean E. Brotherson quoted President Hugh B. Brown stating,

“The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose…. We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly, it should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage. There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose” (2003).

I have learned that intimacy in a marriage is not just for creating babies, but that it can be a beautiful aspect that brings a couple closer together. Barlow (1986) shares, “while creating children is an integral and beautiful aspect of marital intimacy, to use it only for that purpose is to deny its great potential as an expression of love, commitment, and unity”. In the process of changing the lies my mind built, I have become more comfortable in sharing sexual concerns with my husband. When we were first married, I felt dumb to have questions and concerns because it was supposed to just happen for me, right? That was one of those lies. Talking about intimate things with a spouse is a vital part of marriage. Brother Barlow also states that “talking about this intimate relationship—including the emotional feelings that attend it—can go a long way in strengthening a marriage” (1986).

As I have healed, first and foremost, from the past that held me bound, and as I have changed those misconceptions of intimacy into bright, sacred truths that they are, my relationship with my Heavenly Father, myself, and with my husband has grown immensely and I am truly blessed. God has blessed me with a husband who is kind, and very patient. I worried all the time that I was hurting my husband because I couldn’t give him “what all men want”. He tells me all the time that his sexual gratification is not as important as my emotional wellbeing and needs. I am here to say that sex is not bad. It can be the grandest thing when done with the right purpose and intent. I am thankful that although sexuality and intimacy have been a thorn in my side, it has taught me to lean upon the Lord and to seek truth through Him. I know that a lot of people struggle in this area, and I here to say that you are not alone. I encourage you to seek help and knowledge so you too can come to learn of the beauty and sacredness that true intimacy is, especially the way God intended for it to be.

References

Barlow, B. A. (1986). Thy twain shall be one: Thoughts on intimacy in marriage. Ensign.

Brotherson, S. E. (2003). Fulfilling the sexual stewardship in marriage. Meridian Magazine.